The Problem with Love is
by foreveryourssos
Summary: Harry feels left out and betrayed by the world, he feels so alone, but is he the only one who feels this way? I suck at summaries plz rr thanks ..
1. Alone in his Room

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, they all belong to the wonderful J.K. Rowling. **

**Warning: This chapter will contain suicidal thoughts and a few suicidal actions.**

**Rating: This chapter in itself I don't think is rated R. Probably just PG-13, ... it will be rated R for later chapters, but the only thing in this chapter is whats in the warning up above.**

**The Problem With Love Is:**

**Chapter One: Alone In His Room:**

Alone in his room, Harry sat. His mind filled full of stress and anxiety. His heart weighing in his chest but yet it was so empty and lost. He felt so hurt and scared. He felt left out and betrayed. Why did it have to be him, Harry Potter, who had such a screwed up life? But he didn't complain. He never complained, well, he never complained on the outside. He wore a mask. A mask that hid all of his true feelings, his scarred heart, his confused mind. But alone, one night, Harry let his emotions and internal pain get to him. As he sat in his four-poster bed he closed the curtains around him casting wards to silence and lock them.

"Lumos," he muttered under his breath.

He was instantly bathed in a dim, pale green, light. He looked over at his nightstand, silent tears rolling down his soft cheeks. He gently placed his shaking, cold fingers around the handle of a dagger. He slowly pulled the blade up in front of his face vertically, looking at his reflection on the blade. His deep emerald green eyes were now a pool of green with a slight fire in the distance.

The emerald fire, he knew, was his most wanted desire. Something he had longed for ever since he was old enough to remember. Something he had only had once, but in a different way. This desire was love. He had never felt loved by anyone but Sirius Black, but now he was dead. He had lost the only person whom he loved and was loved back by. He knew his parents loved him but they were dead as well. He had lost everyone he loved without even getting to know them.

All the smiling faces around him made him sick. Why were they so happy? What is there to be happy about? Why didn't anyone notice his misery? Why didn't anyone care? Why did know one care to look deep enough to find the true Harry Potter? The alone and scared Harry Potter. The Harry Potter that Harry Potter himself hated.

His friends all thought him to be happy. He acted like he was happy as I said he wore a mask. He laughed and joked and played around whilst on the inside slowly dying. No one cared to notice that he was suffering, no one cared to look deep enough into his eyes to see that his heart was lonely.

As Harry rolled back the sleeves to his long-sleeved shirt he began to cry, he thought about why he was doing this. It was because no matter how many relationships he had, he had never truly loved the other person and he knew he was never loved back. He knew that no one loved him; no one wanted to be with him for the rest of his life. He believed himself to be heartless for he, himself had found that he had never loved anyone.

Harry teasingly ran the tip of the blade up his arm shuddering at the cool touch. But there was someone. Someone Harry loved. Someone who made him hold on each day. That person alone was the reason Harry was still alive. He sighed deeply picturing that someone in his head. He rolled down his shirt sleeves deciding today was not the day; instead he rolled up his pants leg. He pressed the blade against the bare skin of his leg. He ran the blade up his leg watching as it pierced through his skin and drops of crimson tears rolled down his leg staining his sheets.

He laid back on his bed and slowly drifted off into a dream. Harry loved to dream. He loved the life that he had in his dreams, but he hated to awake because the cold hard lie of reality awoke with him and all of his dark feelings were once again thrown at him. But this dream was not a good dream. It was more like a nightmare. He could heard the Dark Lord hissing his evil plans to Wormtail, his evil plans to kill Harry Potter. In all truth Harry sometimes wished Voldemort would kill him. Just kill him and end his misery.

Harry awoke and shot up in his bed. He felt something stinging and piercing his stomach. He looked down and sure enough it was bleeding. He must have rolled over onto the dagger while he was sleeping. He quickly wiped the blood from the dagger, placed it back on his nightstand, and muttered a healing charm for his stomach and a cleaning charm for his sheets. He cast a cleaning charm on his leg as well but left the cut as it was.

He looked over at his clock and saw that it was 5:00 A.M. He rolled back onto his bed but couldn't get to sleep. At 5:30 A.M. he decided to take a shower and maybe do something he never does … study. He checked his cloths to make sure they were in order with no sign of blood. He took down the silencing and locking wards that he had placed on his curtains the night before and opened them. He slowly got out of bed and checked his sheets for any sign of his deep secret.

Satisfied that nothing was obvious he snuck under his invisibility cloak and made his way for the prefects bathroom. Yes, Harry Potter had been made a prefect for his 6th year at Hogwarts. He reached the bathroom and slumped in taking off his cloak. He looked around marveling at the beautiful interior of it and decided to take a bath instead. He needed to relax. He turned on the water very hot and the pool sized tub filled up quickly. He quickly undressed and slipped into the water. He laid in the tub a few minutes before opening his eyes and turning on some taps.

He picked to have bubbles that were pink and tasted of strawberries. He chose for the water to be scented of vanilla. He laid back once more and enjoyed the smells around him and the feeling of the hot water wrapping around his cold body. He heard footsteps on the floor getting closer and closer to where he was. His eyes snapped open and he shot up out of the water, wand in hand ready to hex whomever it was. A little squeak was heard and he looked down to see Dobby standing right beside his tub looking up at his wand in fear and shaking.

Harry lowered his wand and Dobby sighed in relief. "Dobby has come to clean the bathroom, sir. Dobby is sorry; he didn't know sir was in here," the little elf said with wide eyes.

"It's ok Dobby, I just wanted to take a bath I know it's early, it's not your fault," Harry sighed.

"Is there anything Dobby can do for you sir?" Dobby asked.

"If you don't mind I do need some shampoo from the shower over there. It has a special ingredient that helps my hair be more tamable. The shampoo over here doesn't," said Harry.

"Dobby gets shampoo right away," Dobby said rushing over to the shower and back with ten different shampoos falling from his arms. "Sorry sir, Dobby forgot to ask which one sir wanted."

"It's ok Dobby. Thank you for getting it for me, it's the one in the blue container," Harry said pointing.

Dobby quickly picked it up and handed it to Harry. He picked up all the other shampoos he had dropped and placed them back in the shower. "Anything else Dobby can do for you sir?" he asked.

Shaking his head Harry tried to lift his upper body out of the tub but found it rather hard. He tried again and managed to get to where just below his shoulders was still in the water. He reached towards the shampoo finding his arm to rather heavy. He picked up the shampoo and dropped it into the water. He dug down into the water picking back up, only for it to drop again.

"Does sir need Dobby's help?" the elf asked noticing Harry struggle to pick up the shampoo.

Harry shook his head and used both of his hands finally able to pick it up enough to put it back on the edge of the tub.

"Dobby, why is the shampoo bottle so heavy? Is this some kind of trick?" Harry asked peering at the elf.

"Sir, Dobby would not trick you," the little elf said taken aback.

"Oh, um, well could you come here and pour some shampoo into my hands," Dobby looked at him confused but did as he was told.

"Thank you," Harry said lifting his arm from under the water and opening it finding that it felt as though it was being pushed back down.

Dobby opened to shampoo bottle and held it upside down over Harry's hand he gave it a little squeeze and the shampoo began to pour into Harry's hand.

Harry's hand jerked down into the water as soon as the shampoo hit and panted slightly. Dobby looked at him questioningly. "Did Dobby put to much sir?" the elf asked innocently.

"No, you didn't do anything Dobby. It's just my arms feel so heavy and that shampoo felt as if it weighed a ton," Harry said looking confused.

"Is sir feeling well?" the elf asked.

"I'm a little tired, but yes other then that I feel fine," Harry stated.

"Would sir like Dobby to wash his hair?" Dobby offered.

"Well, it is in desperate need of a washing. I suppose so, if you don't mind that is," Harry said.

"Dobby does not mind to help you sir," Dobby said as he grabbed the shampoo bottle squirting it in his hands. He rubbed his hands together, and lathered it up just a tad and began to wash Harry's hair.

It felt a little odd having his hair washed by someone other then himself, like he was royalty or something, but he soon relaxed and drifted off a bit.

A slight tap on the shoulder and he turned his head around to come face-to-face with Dobby. "Dobby is finished sir," he said with his eyes getting wider, he was apparently pleased with himself.

"Thank you Dobby, I don't know why I'm so weak," Harry said trying to lift up once more only to fall back down.

"Should go to the hospital wing, sir does not look so well," Dobby said.

"NO! Err, I mean no thank you I feel fine," Harry said quickly.

"Does sir need Dobby anymore? Dobby has many bathrooms to clean," he said.

"Oh no, thank you Dobby, I can take it from here," Harry said. And with that Dobby bowed and left the bathroom.

Harry closed his eyes but opened them again and tried to lift himself out of the water once more. He quickly fell back into the water wincing a little as he hit his head on the side. His eyes began to go black and all of his senses seemed to die down. He thought he distantly heard the door open but as he looked over in that direction he only saw a small figure coming towards him before he blacked out.

TBC….

**A/N: So far I am happy with this story and the way it turned out. I'm not sure, though, if I will continue it or not, I'll leave that up to reviewers. I've already begun to jot down some ideas on my notebook for the next chapter but I'm not sure if I will post it on here. So thanks for reading my stories and please feel free to send good or bad reviews. Please don't review if you don't like it because it's angst and suicidal there was a warning at the beginning saying it contained suidical actions and thoughts.** **I promise if I get enough good reviews I'll update it quickly.**

-Melissa


	2. Everything I Wish

**Disclaimer- I do NOT own Harry Potter or any of the characters. I only own the plot.**

**Reviewers:  
Dizzy-Lizzy-Love - Thanks for reviewing - about the suicide, don't worry it's not all like. **

"Becky" - Hey little sis! Thanks for reading my story and reviewing. And there weren't that MANY typos missy sheesh.

**The Problem With Love Is:**

**Chapter two: Everything I Wish**

Harry awoke the next morning in his bed. He sat and was greeted by a pounding headache. He rubbed his eyes and grabbed his glasses from his nightstand.

"Harry!" he heard Ron's voice calling fromthe common room.

Shoving on his glasses and running his fingers through his hair he stood up. He thought he could faintly smell the soft scent of cherries and he quickly remembered the night before.

His shampoo. His shampoo smelled of cherries. 'Dobby,' he thought to himself, 'did he carry me up here?'

"Harry, get up!" he heard Ron scream again.

Harry pulled his hands up to his head rather roughly and pulled at his hair. 'Ron really isn't helping this headache of mine get any better by screaming like that,' he thought to himself.

Harry slid into his trousers and shirt and began walking towards the common room while buttoning his robes.

He saw Ron and Hermione sitting, no, more like cuddling on the couch looking at the warm fire. He cleared his throat and dragged himself over to them. Ron and Hermione looked up at their friend smiling.

"Good morning, Harry, did you sleep well?" Hermione asked in a motherly tone.

"Yes, mother, I slept fine thanks," Harry replied, every word dripping with sarcasm as he rolled his eyes at her.

Hermione's smile turned into a worried look as she said, "Harry, is there something wrong?"

"No, I'm fine. Sorry I was rude," Harry replied forcing himself to smile.

Ron and Hermione got up from the couch and the trio made there way to the portrait hole. They climbed through and Hermione started walking towards the grand staircase.

"Where are we going?" Harry asked but none the least interested.

"To great hall of course," Ron said rubbing his stomach.

"Excuse me, Ronald, but when was this decision made?" Hermione snapped at him.

"It's Saturday morning, there aren't any classes where else would we be going!" Ron snapped back.

"To the library, of course. There is a potions exam next week that we need to study for," Hermione said calmly.

"You can go to the library Hermione. Just because that's what you want to do doesn't mean it's what we want to do. Harry and I are going to the great hall," Ron said.

"Ron, you need to study for the exam!" Hermione said in a kind of worried tone.

"It's not until Friday for Merlin's sake. We have all next week to study for it. So you just run along to the library and read your little books, but Harry and I are going to enjoy the weekend," Ron said scowling at her.

"Actually, Ron, I'm not hungry. I think I'll go to-" Harry started to say

"HA! See Ronald, Harry wants to study as well. It looks like you will be pigging out by yourself today," Hermione interrupted Harry.

"No, I, err, actually just want to go somewhere be myself today. Not the library and not the great hall," Harry said tiredly.

Ron looked absolutely crushed, "But Harry …"

"I'm sorry guys. I just want to be alone today. I'll catch up with you later," Harry stated.

"Alright then Harry. I'll see you later," Hermione said.

"What?!" Ron screamed, "Are you to good to hang out with us all day. Are we not cool enough for the boy-who-lived!" Ron's face reddened deeply with anger.

Harry was a bit taken back but quickly said, "Whatever, Ron. Bye Hermione," and ran past them towards the grand staircase.

Harry was halfway to the lake when he ran into Malfoy. "Move it Malfoy, I'm in a hurry," Harry said to him harshly.

"What's wrong, Potter, did your gay lover Ron, and Mudblood girlfriend Hermione run off and leave you?" Malfoy hissed at him.

Harry looked up from the ground and looked straight into Malfoy's eyes. He could see the fear Malfoy was trying to hide from him.

He doesn't know what made him do it. He just did it without thinking. As if he was under the imperious curse and a truth potion both.

"Don't you notice anything Malfoy?" Harry asked fighting back those annoying tears.

Malfoy looked at him confused and Harry pounced. Malfoy fell backwards and grabbed onto Harry for support pulling Harry down on top of him. Harry's hands were placed firmly around Malfoy's neck and a silent tear dropped from Harry's eyes and fell onto Draco's cheek

"Gosh, Potter, you're such a girl, Now, get off of me scarhead.

"Draco, why don't you see inside me? Why can't anyone see inside me?" Harry screamed at him.

Draco looked more then confused as Harry began his confession.

"Everything I do is right," Harry began,

"Everything I am is wrong

Everything I feel is kept locked up inside of me

Everything I say I hold back

Everything I want to say is screaming in my head

I clench my teeth and bite my tongue

I hold my breath and tense my body

I run in my room and shut my door gently

I slam myself on my bed and scream in my pillow

I pull at my hair and rip at my sheets

I fall off my bed and crawl in a corner

I clench my fists and tears tear down my face

I hug my knees and rock back and forth

I look at my wrists and wish I had a knife

I close my eyes and pretend I am dead

I wish I could scream out loud

I wish I could slam my door

I wish I could turn my music up loud

I wish I could just be left alone

I wish I could run away

I wish I could step out-of-line

I wish people knew how I felt

I wish people cared how I felt

I wish I had a normal life

I wish I had a home that accepted me

Everything I hold back is building up inside of me

Everything I want I wish I had

I wish I didn't have to see what I wanted everywhere I go

I wish I could be truly happy like them

I wish I hadn't been rejected

I wish people could understand me

I wish someone would listen to me

I wish it didn't hurt so bad just to spend the night at my friends' house

I wish it didn't hurt so bad to see the smiling

I wish it didn't hurt so bad to see them argue

I only wish I could argue like them

I wish I had their problems

Their family problems

The kind of problems between a mom and dad and a child

I wish I wasn't such a burden

I wish they understood how lucky they are

I wish they would appreciate what they have

I wish they knew I would do anything to have what they have

I wish that people knew that I hold all this in

I wish people knew that it made me want to kill myself everyday

I wish people knew that I fantasize about cutting myself

I wish people would just let me live my life they way I want to

I wish people would let me be happy

I wish that I were perfect

I wish that I made people happy

I wish that everything I am was right

I wish I didn't feel this way

I wish I didn't cry so much

I wish these tears would stop clouding my vision

I wish I didn't have so many problems

I wish I could just accept life as it is

I wish I didn't cry myself to sleep every night!" Harry screamed and sobbed at Malfoy.

With that Harry collapsed on top of Malfoy. Draco just laid there. To confused to realize what was happening. He heard Harry take in a deep breath and soak his robes with tears.

Malfoy shoved Harry off of him and stood up dusting the dirt off of his robes. He looked around to make sure no one had seen them then looked down to see Harry curled up and shaking as he cried.

Draco stood there looking at Harry, unsure of what to say.

TBC …

**A/N- I hope you all are enjoying my story. I am extremely sorry about the long wait but my parents decided for no reason to cancel my internet access. So after a lot begging and silent treatment I got it back. Thank you for reading my story and please review.**

**I am currently at my moms house visiting her and I will be here until Christmas. Therefore, I can not put up chapter 3 till I get back home to my laptop. I have chapter 3 more then halfway finished so check back a few days after Christmas for it.**


	3. Confusion

**Disclaimer- I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters. I only own the plot. Everything else belongs to the wonderful J.K. Rowling.**

**Dizzy-Lizzy-Love - Thank you so much for continuing to review. Love you bunches and bunches and I hope you had a wonderful christmas.**

**The Problem with Love is:  
  
Chapter Three: Confusion**

Draco just stood there looking at Harry with the purest look of confusion, probably, ever to exist.

Harry realized what he was doing and mentally slapped himself for acting like a teenaged girl. His crying ceased and he looked up to see Draco looking at him like a cow looks at an on-coming train.

Draco slowly came to his senses and analyzed what had happened. He could clearly see the hurt and pain deep in Harry's eyes. He knew deep down he felt the same way and that he should sympathize him, but he was a Malfoy and Malfoy's don't show emotion or affection of any kind.

Harry uncurled his body still looking at Draco. He started shaking, terrified of what Draco might do or say. He stood up and took a long shaky breath.

Draco's eyes widened and his body went cold as he watched Harry fall heavily to the ground as if someone much bigger had pushed him. Harry tried to raise his head but it slammed back to the ground causing Harry to groan slightly as his eyes fluttered shut.

Draco knew immediately what was wrong with Harry, but instead of offering help he simply smirked and chuckled.

Harry opened his eyes and saw Draco offer his hand. Draco's face went white with horror as he saw Harry try, and fail to raise his arm.

Draco knew this disease was really rare and really hard to get. He had only heard of someone getting it once before, his aunt. Draco had been really close to his aunt when she got the disease and was torn apart when the illness took her life. He spent everyday reading books upon books, searching for the answers to his questions. No one in his family had known what was wrong with her. "Old age," they said it was. But Draco didn't believe that he knew something had been terribly wrong with her and as he spent day after day in the library he read a book describing her symptoms exactly.

He learned everything there was to know about the disease and cried himself to sleep every night wishing he had done something to help her. Up to this very day Draco still cries himself to sleep thinking of her. She was the only one who had ever said, "I love you," to him. She was the only one who had ever hugged him or tucked him into bed.

Draco's eyes began to water as he thought about his aunt. Harry quirked an eyebrow at him as one, lonely tear slid down Draco's pale cheeks.

"Why, Potter? WHY!?" Draco screamed as he began to run towards the castle now pouring tears.

Harry just lay there on the ground, too weak to call after him or even put a confused expression on his face. He tried several times to stand up but all failed so he laid back and shut his eyes quickly entering a deep somber.

His dream was very confusing. There were dragons and fairies. A tall figure covered in black robes. Around the figure were million of other people clothed in gray robes, on their knees bowing to him. The tall figure looked up at him, but his face was shadowed in black from his hood. The man started to walk slowly towards him. Harry tried to move to the side but found that he was bound to a stake. The man drew his wand, still approaching Harry. As he reached Harry he drew a sword with his other hand. Pointing the wand at Harry's chest he began to chant something in a different language. Harry struggled to get free but his attempts failed as he felt the blade of the sword piercing through his stomach.

Harry shot up from the ground as he awoke from his sleep. He was breathing heavily and sweating madly. He looked around in a panicked sort of manner with his wand at the ready. He sighed realizing he was still on school grounds and that he was fairly safe there. He remembered the time before he had fallen asleep. He had been to weak to even move. He tried to stand up and was able to stand with no problem at all except for a pounding headache that arose.

It was dark outside. The air was chilly and the sky cloudless. He looked at his watch, but couldn't see it because of the darkness.

He reached for his wand muttering, "Lumos!"

"Crap!" he said to himself as he began to run towards the castle.

It was half past ten pm. As he ran his stomach began to hurt and he quickly remembered his dream. He stopped running and slowly lifted up his shirt. He looked down at his pale stomach and he saw it. A scar in the exact place he had been stabbed in the dream. He started to run again towards the castle. As he reached the portrait whole he gasped out the password and crept inside. Slowly he made his way to the boys dorms and changed into his night cloths. As he climbing into his bed he saw his dagger laying on the nightstand.

He sighed laying down. Something felt left out. Like he was incomplete, like a part of his life had been taken away, but he didn't know which.

**A/N – Sorry I took so long to get this chapter up I was more busy after Christmas then I had expected. I'll be starting a new story soon, check my bio in a few days to get a summary of it. Please review thank you for reading.**


	4. Hitting Rock Bottom

**Chapter 4: Hitting Rock Bottom**

Draco was pacing through the hallways reading a journal. It was his aunt's journal. He found it in her arms when he found her laying dead in her bed. He read it, his curiosity of her strange actions and nightmares getting the best of him, he had to know.

And sure enough he was right, it was all linked together. Her weak spells. Her awful nightmares and mysterious scars and marks appearing on her body. In her journal she described every dream in detail. In each dream the same creature and wounded her, and the next morning there would be a scar or mark in the exact same place.

This scared Draco when he first read it as a kid. He developed a serious insomnia problem, partly researching all of the information he had and partly terrified this man was after him too.

If Harry was to die of this same illness Draco wouldn't be able to live. He couldn't let two people die of the same illness right underneath his nose. It is true he hated Harry, but he loved his aunt and all the pain it would bring back if Harry died too.

For some reason Draco found himself worried for Harry. He wanted to help him, talk to him, tell him what he knew. Maybe they could discover the cure for it. There was no cure, nor any medicine or spell to help with the weakness or nightmares.

Draco went to the library to do a little more research since he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep.

He went to the section with all the books on illness's that only witches and wizards got. And sure enough he found Harry there reading from a gigantic book.

Draco didn't know what to say to him, or where to start so he stood there staring for a minute.

Harry felt that he was being watched so he looked up and made eye contact with Draco. Draco just continued to stare at him, speechless. How could he tell him he knew what was wrong? That he was going to die ...

"If you are here to boast about what happened earlier then save it for later, please Draco, I don't want to fight or argue ... with anyone ever again," Harry said slightly desperatly.

"I don't want to start anything with you Ha- err Potter, I just need to talk to you,"

"About earlier?"

"Yes."

"Not now, I'm just going through a lot and I was very upset. I know I acted pathetic but do you know how much it hurts to hold everything in? I'm sorry I chose you to vent to but for some reason ... you are the only one I felt comfortable enough with to fall apart infront of."

"We have to talk now, don't apologize for anything ok? I understand. It's scary but like everything you said, I feel the same way. I mean my father is the only reason anyone knows who I am. He doesn't care about anything but himself. And my mom well I don't want to talk about her."

Draco looked down at the floor, it was so hard for him to tell anyone anything about his emotions. Why was he trusting Potter?

"Sit down," Harry said quite bluntly.

Draco smiled slightly as he sat down in front of Harry. But then frowned knowing the long talks that were ahead of them.

"Harry, I want you to trust me, I'll do anything to make you trust me. I'm so afraid for you though. What happened, earlier, out by the lake when you couldn't get up. Do you know why? Was that the first time?"

"It has happened twice. That was the second time. The first time was in the prefects bathroom this morning while I was bathing. I don't know why though, that's what I'm trying to figure out." Harry said sounding frustrated.

"Has anything else weird been happening lately?"

"Yes, a dream well more like a nightmare. Why do you ask do you know what is wrong with me?!"

"..." Draco looked down at the table feeling his eyes swell a little. He looked up at Harry letting him see his eyes turn red and bleed tears.

"Is it bad Draco?" Harry said calmly.

Draco nodded in response. He put his face in his hands and began to cry heavily.

"Draco, ... what is it I mean, it's not like something that is to the equivalent of the muggle illness cancer or anything. ... Is it?"

Draco calmed down a bit after a few minutes of just crying and he took his aunt's journal out of her robe pocket. "I want you to read this Harry," Draco said in an unsteady voice. "It's my aunt's journal. After you read it you'll know why I asked you too, but don't ask me why I'm letting you read it. Just do, trust me."

"I trust you Draco. I'll read it all, when do you want it back?"

"Can you finish it by tomorrow night?"

"Yes."

"Ok, then meet me tomorrow outside near the black lake ... where we ran into each other earlier today."

"Around this same time as right now?"

"Yes, let's say midnight," Draco said looking at the moon outside the window.

"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Goodnight Harry, if the weakness happens again, don't fight it ok? Don't struggle to regain your strength because you will but the more you fight it the heavier gravity will seem to be pulling on you."

"Thanks Draco," Harry said waving to Draco as they both stood up and went to their seperate houses to sleep.


End file.
